How I Healed from an Abusive Relationship


I remember in the beginning, you were so charming.


I remember thinking finally I found a great guy.


I remember being wrapped up in the idea of a relationship.
I remember the excitement of getting to know you and spending time with you.
I remember how you made me laugh and how you spoiled me.
I remember feeling like I was being swept off my feet.

I don’t remember when it started…

But I remember how you told me you hated long hair. How I didn’t love you because I wouldn’t cut mine.
I remember you would point out every girl who had short hair-no matter where we were. You would comment about how much you liked how she looked.
I remember you constantly talking about how attractive girls with tattoos were-and how I didn’t have any.
I remember how you wanted to pick out my clothes. And you told me I was selfish because I didn’t wear what you wanted.
I remember how you always wanted me to eat less so I would lose weight. You would literally take food out of my hand and cut me off when you thought I’d had enough.
I remember how I was the butt of every joke-but as long as you got a laugh it was okay.
I remember how you would tell me not to speak so I wouldn’t embarrass myself.
I remember how you preferred me in my glasses. You would get mad when I didn’t wear them.
I remember when I started making fun of people with you so that I could be accepted.
I remember always hanging out with your friends-and losing touch with all mine.
I remember doing everything you enjoyed, but never doing what I enjoyed.
I remember always being wrong.
I remember never being able to speak my mind.
I remember being called stupid.
I remember believing you were mentally superior to me.
I remember how you never wanted to hold my hand-
never wanted to kiss me
never wanted to hold me
never told me I was pretty
never made me feel special

Then I remember when it was over.

I remember feeling lost.
I couldn’t remember the things that used make me happy.
I couldn’t remember the things that I loved.
I couldn’t remember who I was, because I had tried so hard to be who you wanted me to be.

That’s when I remembered that identity was in Christ.

Suddenly I remembered that I was made in God’s image (Genesis 1:27)
I remembered that I have freedom through Christ (Galatians 5:1)
I remembered that God knit me together in my mother’s womb (Pslam 119:73)
I remembered that God’s love is unfailing (Psalm 33:22)
I remembered that God draws near to the broken hearted (Pslam 34:18)
I remembered that He would sustain me (1 Cor 1:8)
I remembered that God chooses the weak things of this world to shame the strong (1 Cor 1:27)
I remembered I was called to be Christ’s ambassador (2 Cor 5:20)
I remembered that I know the Prince of Peace (Ephesians 2:14)
I remembered that I had joy in Jesus (1 Thessalonians 2:20)
I remembered that God is faithful (1 Thessalonians 5:24)
I remembered that the Lord can rescue me from any evil (2 Timothy 4:18)
I remembered that Jesus was crucified for me. Left hanging on a cross. Beaten, spat on, humiliated- for me.
I remembered that Jesus already paid for my pain.

He carried my burden.

He took away my sin.


I remembered, for the first time in a long time, what love really was.

Jesus is the ultimate healer. Verbal abuse comes in many different forms. Sometimes it is obvious. You get put down, called names, constantly disrespected. But it isn’t always. It took me 2 years to realize I was being verbally abused.

Verbal abuse takes place when you no longer have a voice.

When you believe and listen to all the lies someone says about you. When you accept what someone calls you as true. When someone is trying to manipulate you or transform you into someone you aren’t.

In my case it was mostly about my looks. From my shoes to my hair. He literally wanted me to change everything about me. He never let me forget that he hated the way I looked. Every day he would make little comments. And little comments everyday for two years aren’t so little. I believed no one would ever be attracted to my physical appearance. I believed no one could ever possibly be interested in me. I believed my opinion didn’t matter because I was probably wrong anyways.

When we broke up I dedicated everything to Jesus. He was my sustainer. I went all in wanting to be healed from my broken heart, and I was. But a year later I still wasn’t healed mentally. I was terrified to date. I didn’t want someone to control my identity ever again-my identity is rooted and established in Jesus Christ. After a year of trying to escape all the lies I so deeply believed, I finally asked for help. I found godly counsel through my church. I finally was able to have a healthy mindset of myself again. I stopped looking down on myself and thinking less of who I am. I began believing that I was beautiful and I finally gained my confidence back.

If you are in a verbally abusive relationship, get out now. I want to remind you that your identity is found only in Jesus. You have been sealed with the Holy Spirit and that is your defining characteristic. Romans 8:38-39 tells us, “For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” No lie anyone feeds you, no lie you tell yourself, no sin you commit, and no sin committed against you will ever take that identity away from you. You are a beloved daughter of the King.


One thought on “How I Healed from an Abusive Relationship

  1. Jean says:

    So many of the comments you heard I have heard as well. My husband and his mother would tag team the put downs and criticisms. She even took my daughter once without telling me and when I found her she told me “she is my granddaughter and I can take her whenever and wherever I want and you have no right to tell me I can’t”. Sadly, that was true. I would have plans to do something with my children and my husband would call and tell me to get the girls ready that his mother was taking them. It didn’t matter if I said no. I was raised that a Godly woman obeys her husband. They told me daily what a poor mother I was and nothing I did was right. We all worked together in a family business so we were together daily. I lived with it for 35 years before I said I wouldn’t take anymore. We are still together trying to build a marriage but I have 35 years of scars and all the symptoms of PTSD so very difficult. They too would comment on my looks. My mother-in-laws favorite thing was when we would be at the beach she would point out someone thinner than I was and say out loud for everyone to hear “look at that big fat lazy thing”. And my husband would also comment on how other women looked and why couldn’t I dress like them. I would like to tell everyone out there that this is not normal. This is not acceptable. You do not deserve it. It is abuse. It will have consequences on the rest of your life and immense consequences on your children. If you are in a circumstance like this, find help. Tell someone. The abusers tend to try to weaken you and isolate you because they know what they are doing is wrong. And don’t get fooled by the “pity party and oh poor me’s. ” Some bullies and abusers go into the fetal position when all of a sudden they are confronted and not allowed to do it anymore. Don’t let that play on you. You do need to forgive them but they also need to be accountable. Protect yourself and your children. Watching their mother get treated like this will affect them the rest of their lives. Outside of the home and in the church my husband is highly respected so is very difficult since people would be in disbelief if they knew and he is a pro at the “oh poor me.” They only thing that has kept me alive is my faith in Christ. Without that I wouldn’t be here. I actually had my suicide planned. God has carried me through this and I see now on the other side how he wants me to use my story for his glory. I have learned that God is enough. I have learned that when I have no one – I still have Him. He has never left me or forsaken me. When I have been in despair he has been with me. He has sent messages, visits, verses whatever I needed at the time to lift me. I have learned that I don’t have to be strong because when I am at my weakest He is my strength and His strength will carry me farther than I could ever go on my own. So thankful that you shared your story. Praying that someone will read this and will be given the courage to stop the bullying and abuse.


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